Meghan, The Queen Of Rewriting Her Personal Life – A Satire



[For my other Satires on the Queen of Montecito – Meghan, The Disney Princess and Totally Satire!]

Meghan, the Queen of Montecito sits at her makeshift desk, which is really her kitchen table and pens ideas for rewriting certain aspects of her life before Harry. In front of her sits her compendium and an old-fashioned fountain pen which has to be dipped into an inkwell like a quill.

What parts of my life can I rewrite? She thinks. Oh! I know! I can make myself out to be poor as a child! No one will ever suspect it’s a lie because it’s my truth and people know better than to question me because if they do, they’re racists!

A wicked smile forms on her face as she takes pen to paper. Little does she realise, a member of her staff has been watching her from the doorway behind her.

The staff member, who is close enough to see what the Queen of Montecito is writing, slips away to their quarters and sends an email to a reputable UK publication about what the new monarch is currently doing.

Sometime later, Harry walks into the kitchen, carrying both Lilibet and Archie who are screaming their heads off. “Some help please?” He looks exhausted.

Meghan ignores him, holding up a finger as she continues to rewrite her history in her compendium.

“The kids need you.” Harry begs as Lili’s cries get louder.

“Get the nanny to help you.” Meghan says, disinterested.

“I can’t,” says Harry. “Every single Nanny we’ve had has quit due to your tantrums. No one wants to work for us.”

Meghan’s head snaps up, her eyes dark like she’s possessed by the devil. “They weren’t up to my standard. I do not throw tantrums and how DARE you say that to your Queen!”

Harry internally grimaces.

Fragile Harry Isn’t Happy

Without a word, he leaves the kitchen, the children still crying in his arms. He’s mentally and psychologically broken. He has been for some time. He loves his children, but it’s his wife who is the problem. She is so hellbent on being famous, that she doesn’t put anyone’s feelings into consideration, except her own.

He realised that after everything they had told Oprah was debunked, he knew that their population was plummeting. However, he still loved Meghan and wanted to make her happy, but it appeared nothing was ever good enough. She ordered him to throw his whole family under the bus on national television because people could see through her sugary sweet persona as being nothing more but a shame. She constantly referred to herself as the victim of racial hate when even she had no evidence to show for it.

Harry had gone along with it because he thought it would make him happy. However, he felt like a fish out of water. She was the centre of his universe as were the children, however, since there their move to America he felt isolated. Meghan had told him to cut off anyone who didn’t approve of her and he had gladly done that. In fact, he had given up his whole life for her and yet, she didn’t care about that. All she cared about was her profile. Perhaps, he should’ve listened to his brother-in-law, Tom Jr. He just wished he had read the letter instead of putting it in the fireplace and watching it burn.

Putting the children back in their rooms, he thought allowing them to self-soothe would be the ideal thing to do. Meghan had told him how to be a good parent as she was such an expert. Though, it was obvious to everyone that she was using their children as bait. She didn’t care about them. All she wanted was something to hang over his family’s heads.

When The Queen Of Montecito Throws Plates

Finishing the rewrite of her life, Queen Meghan of Montecito started typing it up on her laptop, adding corrections where needed. She was pulled out of her workflow by the chime of her phone. She pulled up her email and her face went white. One of her PR teams had emailed through an article that had just gone live about Meghan and her love of rewriting her past.

Blinded by her rage, Meghan jumps to her feet and begins throwing plates that are sitting on the sink that “the servants”, which is what she calls the staff, haven’t yet washed. She screams like a possessed banshee, knowing full well that everyone on this level of the house can hear her.

Once she is done, she screams for the staff to clean up the mess she has created. She stands and watches as the terrified staff scurry around, sweeping up the broken ceramic. She even throws out quips about she is their Queen and how they have to address her as such.

Too blinded by her ego, she doesn’t notice one of the workers exchange sneaky looks with another. The worker mouths, “I contacted the press. They’re well aware of Queen Meghan’s love of rewriting her life.”

The second worker smiles, their eyes on Montecito’s Queen to ensure she doesn’t catch on to their plan.

Sleepy Harry

Harry, who has fallen asleep in the armchair in Lilibeth, dreams of a life free of Meghan where he is living with their children back in the UK. He has since realised that this is where he was happiest. In his dream, he envisions his family embracing him as they once did. He could also dream of his children growing up with their cousins in the same way he did with his. Oh, no wait. His family is supposed to be toxic and he doesn’t want his kids to be associated with them, especially their grandfather and uncle who are trapped.

But for some reason, he couldn’t stop the visions from coming to him. Since he’d been with Meghan, he had felt his family slipping away from him. He had assumed that they hated his beloved M. Moreover, he had listened to her cry and cry about how they did and how the press were racist towards her and he had believed her blindly. He had even gotten into arguments with various members of his family over their “treatment” of Meghan. Hell, he had even called his brother a “Snob” for asking him to slow down the relationship. He also believed Meghan when she complained to him that Kate was stuffy towards her and mean at the bridesmaid dress fittings.

If he was honest with himself, he missed major milestones for his nephews, niece and little cousins. They had all missed major milestones of his children because Meghan forbade their kids from being in contact with their toxic relatives. He remembered the conversation as if it were yesterday.

Queen Meghan – Dream Part One

“I don’t want our children being around THOSE people!” Meghan had screamed at Harry when he had suggested they go back to the UK for a visit once the pandemic had eased.

“Meghan, they’re still my family. Our children’s family. Just because you don’t talk to yours, doesn’t mean they can’t at least know mine!” Harry had argued. It was this one day that the spell of hypnosis was broken over him, and he had been free to speak his mind.

Meghan had screamed in his face and said that she might as well divorce him and that she will use the kids to her advantage if he didn’t listen to her that he was nothing without her.

Harry, not being able to leave without his children, had closed his mouth after that. He knew he’d been denounced as Meghan’s fanboy who did everything she wanted without so much as a concern for his welfare or thoughts.

“Your family was racist towards me as was the public and the press. This is our narrative. The world is stupid and they have to worse us because the true King and Queen. Not that old hag you call a grandmother but I claim to love like my own.”

Harry, despite having caved to her demands, could feel the rage beginning to build inside him. His wife had just insulted his grandmother, the one person who had given them everything they could have possibly wanted. He felt something snap in him.

“How dare you!”

Meghan looked him dead in the eyes, surprised he had spoken. “What?”

“My grandmother has given us so much! She gave us a duchy and gave you the title you oh so craved as you wanted to be like Catherine and on her level. Here’s the thing, you are not Catherine. She has more grace then you ever will. She never complains and adores my brother and the life they have built together. When we got together I felt I had met someone who was just like Kate.” He paused, setting his jaw in complete defiance. “Turns out, I was wrong.”

Queen Meghan – Dream – Part Two

Meghan’s face went red, and as she screamed at him, spit flew as she howled like a werewolf at the moon. “I am better than that bitch! I should be the future Queen! Not her!” Her expression dropped when she had realised what she had said.

If Harry had wanted to be surprised, he couldn’t say he was. He had seen the way she had always looked at William. Longing like she wanted him and only him. “So, you wanted my brother rather than me. I should have guessed. I am nothing to you except a pawn. You pretended to love me but you really wanted William. You used me to get close to him but when you realised couldn’t have him, you settled for me because you wanted to punish him for not choosing you.”

Snapped Out

Harry snapped out of his drama-fuelled dream, shaking his head. The whole thing had just one messy nightmare. If he was honest with himself, some of it had shown, did carry some weight. Meghan did want William, and there was no mistaking that. She had gone on and on about how wrong Catherine was for him and how he should be with her because of more like him she was. At the time, he’d just ignored it, as he assumed it was just some crush she hadn’t gotten over since she was a teenager.

However, it seemed that part of her plan had been to snag the eldest brother and not the younger one. She wanted to be Queen. She didn’t want to be the wife of the spare. What he couldn’t work out is why she hadn’t tried to date William before he’d married Catherine. Did she think that putting a wedge between his brother and his wife would be her chance to strike?

Part of him didn’t want to know, but another part of him did. All he had wanted when they’d met was to find someone who could make him happy the way Catherine made William happy. He hadn’t been prepared to court a woman for a decade. Though, he understood why William had waited to propose. He had wanted to see if Kate had been able to cope with the pressures of royal life. There was a point he remembered where it had become too much for Catherine and she and William had broken up but then got back together sometime later. Ultimately, it had made their relationship stronger in the long run.

Harry shook his head. No, he had to make his own marriage work. He didn’t want it to fall apart the way his parents’ marriage had. However, something pulled the very back of his subconscious. His marriage wasn’t going to last the next few years, and he knew it. But he wanted to show his children what happiness felt like and so, he had to make it work for their sakes and his own. He was more than willing to sacrifice his happiness for theirs.

About Author

C.J. Hawkings has written for the now-defunct Entertainment website, Movie Pilot and the still functioning WhatCulture and ScreenRant. She now writes for FanSided and is loving it!

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