Royals

Totally Satire! How Meghan And Harry Will React To Not Getting Invites To Charles’ Coronation

coronation

Many Years From Now

News has come that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has passed peacefully. A grand coronation is being planned for her heir, Prince Charles, now King Charles III. As the world grieves the passing of the longest-serving English monarch, her wayward grandson Harry, King of Montecito and his wife, Queen Meghan are eagerly awaiting their invitation. However, there is one problem; Her Worship doesn’t like the UK or her in-laws anymore. In her mind, every single person, including the black communities are racists all because most people don’t favour her over her more beloved sister-in-law, Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge and soon-to-be Princess of Wales.

Two weeks tick by, and no one has made contact regarding The Queen’s funeral or Charles’ coronation.

Perhaps, it’s on its way in the post, Harry thinks as he absently feeds his female doll he and Meghan think is their daughter, Lilibet. He’s making a real mess, but he’s too deep in thought to notice.

Meghan walks in with Pula, the couple’s black labrador still on the lead.

“Did you get the pap shots with Archie?” Harry asks his wife, not bothering to look up to know she’s wearing yet another “underprivileged” fashion brand that needs Meghan’s “help”.

Meghan ignores him as per normal. She’s too absorbed in her thoughts of finally becoming the Princess of Wales, like her idol and Harry’s mother, Diana. She walks to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of refreshing spring water they got imported from Hawaii.

“I got everything I need for the coronation.” she responds after she downs the entire bottle in one go.

Harry isn’t sure whether he should tell her that no invite has turned up yet. If he’s honest, he’s worried. If one doesn’t, his head will be a pike by lunch.

A Coronation Fit For Queen Meghan of Montecito

Meghan waits for Harry’s response, though, she believes he’s too much of an idiot to give a coherent answer. She rolls her eyes and then proceeds to dump her empty water bottle on the ground. The sound of the bottle hitting the marble floor sends a member of staff running into the kitchen. They scoop up the bottle and toss it into the recycling bin before scuttling out again. They’re scared of being screamed at after so many other members of the staff have quit.

Since the passing of the Queen three weeks earlier, Meghan has been going from store to store, bragging about how beautiful she will look at Charles’ coronation and how all eyes will be on her. She ignores the looks of confusion on people’s faces. In her eyes, they’re all peasants and are all stupid.

Meghan has one goal in mind outside of trying to take attention away from Charles. She wants to outdo Catherine’s gold Bond premiere dress which the whole world gushed over. It has taken so much strength on her part to forgive Harry for his comment on the dress. She remembered how his jaw had dropped to the ground like a Christmas nutcracker. His “Oh, wow!” still makes her teeth grind together in angst. He has never said that about her. Never. But, he’ll say it about the woman she despised above all else?

She thinks she has looked hot in everything she has worn since the royal tour in New York. The dress she wore to the Intrepid Gala? She was a knockout! She even struck the woman doing her spray tan across the back of the head. Ah! It was a great day to be Queen of Montecito!

The Coronation Comes And Goes

After the mourning for the Queen ends, people of the Commonwealth start to get excited about the coronation. Yes, some people have reservations and want William instead of his father. But, Her Majesty wanted her son on the throne before her grandson. Nothing was going to change because of a few people.

The coronation comes and goes, and Charles is officially crowned as King and Camilla is made Princess Consort as it was decided so many years earlier.

Back in Montecito, Harry and Meghan are forced to watch the coronation on television.

Catherine once again was a total knockout which caused a raging Meghan to smash a glass coffee table like she was the Hulk!

“THAT WHORE IS UGLY AS HELL!” Meghan screams as she throws bits of glass at the television screen.

Harry’s face has gone totally red. Not from embarrassment, but from anger. Hell, he hasn’t been this angry since his and Meghan’s names were left off the program at the 2020 Commonwealth service and when Charles stopped sending them money. He’s not sure what’s worse. He bitterly swallows his rage. Part of him is furious at his wife for buying an outfit worth a literal $1Million for an event they were never invited to.

Meghan is still raging about how much she hates Catherine and how the royals and the whole of the UK are racist assholes and beneath them. Harry has heard it all before. Since The Bond premiere dress, it has become a regular rant.

He slips out of the living room, not sure what he’s going to do.

MY THRONE, MINE!

Harry paces with his mobile phone to his ear. He’s trying to get ahold of one of his brother or father’s aides to find out why he and his family were not invited.

Finally, he gets ahold of one of Charles’ aides named Leonard.

“Your Highness? You know very well you’re not supposed to be ringing this number.”

The aide’s response is surprising to Harry in which he responds, “Do you not know WHO I AM?!”

To the aide’s credit, he keeps it together. Barely.“Yes,” he responds. “I am well aware of who you are, Sir.”

Harry’s face goes an even darker shade of red than his hair. “My father abused my mother. He should not be on the throne! Neither should my ass of a brother! It should be ME ON THAT THRONE! Meghan should be my Queen and Archie my heir!” He continues into an incoherent rant.

Unbeknownst to him, Leonard has been recording the entire conversation. He’s taken a page out of the Sussex’s book. His loyalty to the king and the royals is unwavering, and he will do anything to unearth the horrid behaviour of the Sussexes.

Beatrice Secretly Hits Back

Meghan decides to call palace insider; Princess Eugenie. The pair have always had a close relationship and Eugenie was sympathetic towards the Sussexes as her family growing up were always considered the black sheep because of her mother’s questionable actions. However, on this one particular day, it is not Eugenie who picks up the phone; it’s Beatrice, Eugenie’s sister who had been visiting her sibling and brother-in-law, Jack.

Eugenie had taken Beatrice’s daughter, Sienna for a nap with her son August and was currently out of the room.

Upon hearing the phone ring, Beatrice’s eyes bulge when she sees who is calling. She hated conflict and always had a feeling Meghan was trouble. She always preferred to keep an eye on the situation rather than push as William and Charles did. Knowing what she had to do, she activates the call and presses the record function.

“Hello?” Beatrice says, disguising her voice to sound like her sister’s.

“Eugenie! Thank god! What the hell is going on?” Meghan rants. “You were supposed to get us invites to Charles’ coronation and didn’t!”

Beatrice, knowing about this as Eugenie had told her about the secret phone calls, listens until she has to come up with a response. “I am sorry but I did everything I could. There was no escaping that you have said something rather damaging things about the family.” Beatrice said, continuing in her sister’s voice.

Meghan started screaming, causing Beatrice to take a step back. Every word makes the Duchess sound more stupid. After a good few minutes, the line goes dead, indicating that Markle has ended the call.

Beatrice picks up her sister’s phone and cuts the recording. She then airdrops it to her own phone before she emails the recording to her Uncle Charles’ aide, Leonard.

The Media Drops The Recordings

The next morning in the US, Meghan is sitting in front of the new television with a mug of vegan latté between her hands. She perks up when a breaking news story flashes across the screen. The reporter who is as woke as hell, reveals that they’ve received two recordings from an unnamed source about the British Royal Family.

Interested, Meghan turns the volume up but what she hears next makes her regret it.

The first recording played is her conversation with Eugenie about how disrespectful it was to not be invited to Charles’ coronation. Then, the screaming in the audio starts up.

Meghan’s mug drops from her hands and shatters at her feet as she hears herself shit all over the royals and how they’re racists and unkind and how it should be her and Harry and on the throne.

Harry walks in, having heard the screams from the recording.

On the screen, the reporter has gone pale.

The second recording plays, and it’s Harry’s voice that is heard. He curses everyone who has ever helped him and how the throne should be his and not his father or William’s.

Harry, mortified, pulls out his phone and checks his burner Twitter account. The Sussex Squad is in a total meltdown, with many claiming the recordings are fake and were created to discredit the Sussexes. However, some have come to their senses.

Looks like it is time for damage control.

About Author

C.J. Hawkings has written for the now-defunct Entertainment website, Movie Pilot and the still functioning WhatCulture and ScreenRant. She now writes for FanSided and is loving it!

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